I feel Inspired!
If you asked me what I feel inspired to do I would rattle off a list so long and diverse your eyes would cross.
But today I feel inspired to start a blog…a world I know nothing about! Why would I do such a crazy thing?
I am a woman of determined faith and I believe that I was created a special way for a special purpose.I will admit though that sometimes…alright most of the time, I am so overwhelmed with the the enormity of that claim that I miss the “smaller” things I was created to do. You see, I’m a mom of four (and MAYBE some day more)! I love staying at home, and I’m determined to be available for whatever needs my family has. But I struggle…
I struggle to be content with it sometimes. Of course there are the people that ask “so what do you do with yourself all day?” and I smile and reply “If I ever get a day to myself I’ll let you know.” It rolls right off, doesn’t bother me at all. No, what I struggle with is feeling enough when I compare myself to the other moms. I think to myself, “man if I could be that kind of mom or look stylish like that mom, then I’d be a good mom.” It’s such a lonely, depressed place to be.
The other night I watched “Mom’s Day out” again. It makes me cry every time. I so badly relate with that movie. But unlike the main Mom in the movie, I’m the one that walks into church and looks all put together with all my well-behaved kids. My kids are great and they are good, but they are kids as well and I’m learning to embrace that and not expect them to be little robots marching everywhere I go. But what people don’t see is that after I get the kids to their classes I “have to go to the bathroom” before service starts…not to fix my mascara…but to breathe deeply and to let all my tears of feared failure as a mom out then I put my hidden emotions in a neat little box and tuck it somewhere deep so that people can only see a smiling “good” mom. But I don’t feel like a good mom because I’m too busy seeing all the things I didn’t do and all the things that didn’t go smoothly that morning. I’m so consumed with my own perceived worthlessness that all I see or hear when I talk with other moms is what I’m not and wish I was.
Now, I’m being pretty vulnerable here, I don’t want people to see this part of me…it’s not pretty…it’s ugly and I already feel ugly enough. But my story doesn’t end here, I’m still on my journey with my Savoir that desires me to find my value in Him because He says I’m not worthless and ugly like I feel. The TRUTH is I’m beautiful and worth the price of His blood! That’s pretty valuable…and I held that value even before I desired him. My obedience didn’t gain His favor, just me existing did!
Nothing I do or be can add to the immeasurable value I was given by God the day He formed me into existence.
So how did I start imperfectly living in that truth vs the lies of “not good enough”? I got out of my comfort zone and I started listening to other moms. I started to hear, “I’m failing“, “I’m not enough“, “I wish I could be like you“! I was so surprised! I started to hear that I was not alone in the lonesomeness I always felt. Some groups I was in had us share what we see in each other and I was flabbergasted at the other women’s perceptions of me. They already saw so many things that I was trying to be! And I’m pretty sure I saw the same discoveries on the other women’s faces. It made me feel so encouraged and connected, loneliness for the moment was gone.
I think as moms we can tend to focus too much on where we feel like failures and we miss the gift to motherhood we possess. At least I know I do. I have a lot of things to offer to my kids, my husband, and my friends but my constant attention on the qualities I didn’t and still don’t possess distracted me from using the wonderful qualities I do possess. I spent/spend so much time trying to be the mom I’m not and neglect to be the special and unique mom God made me to be. It’s like a “barbie mom” syndrome. There is this unrealistic model of what a mom should be that isn’t even physically possible and is totally fake; but I look to her as what I should be and start a cycle of crazy to be her that makes me depressed, unsatisfied, and I’m sure my husband agrees… a little insane.
So, this is the purpose of my blog…I want to discover the true self that I was created to be. Why blog? I like the accountability it offers to be potentially productive with my thoughts. I love writing in my journal but I’m sloppy and tend to ramble continuously and aimlessly at the same topics and while I find value in it I want to graduate to a more organized space. I could care less if I have any followers or if anyone reads my blog. If my amateur blogging bothers you then sorry, you may want to move onto the next blog. I’m writing to grow me! It will be messy and crazy and obviously I am the queen of rabbit trails…but I know it’s a space that will grow me. Of course I hope that my ramblings might bring encouragement, inspiration and maybe even entertainment in a good way to some; but I made a rule that I will not have any expectations with this blog besides being a space to mature my thoughts. So I’m buckling my seat belt and flooring it, baby, like my toddler escaping to freedom when the baby gate come down. Hold on! God help and bless us mom’s looking to live content in that immeasurable value with which You knit us together.