you glide th
rough the air. Dipping and swaying
here and there. Your flight is a mystery,
migration perplexing. If I had that ability I’d feel so free.
You’re clothed by your maker most elegantly, feathers so delic
ately strong, what a feat. Your song is
enchanting, sweet melodies that
an amazing creation, at least that is my summation.
Prompt:animal, Form:concrete poetry, Device:enjambment
I’ve never felt normal. I don’t even know what it means to be normal. Normal, to me, is a lie of the devil. Comparisons are an evil vice meant to discourage us from living out who we are. A lie to deceive me into thinking that somehow I am more than someone else. A lie to perpetuate anxiety that I am less then everyone else. I’m tired. I’m tired of trying to keep in step with this impossible dance. I’m a terrible dancer especially when I think everyone is watching.
Why am I so obsessed with looking all put together anyway? Like its creator, life is a mystery. I believe my obsession over a put together appearance is in fact buying into the same lie as Eve; that I am a god in control of my own destiny. How can I be in charge of my destiny? I can’t control the weather tomorrow, I can’t control the flu than seems to be plaguing our family this year, I can’t even control my husband and kids or anyone else for that matter.
No, the only thing I am in control of are my choices. And I choose what I believe. If I believe that life is a competition, that I’m to fight to be above everyone else, then pride, jealousy, anger, manipulation, etc will be my tools. If I believe that I am to live to the glory of my creator, to live according to my purpose in Him, then love, joy, peace, self-control, etc., will be my tools. If life is about being normal, comparing myself to everyone else, than tomorrow is what I live for. If life is about loving my God and my neighbor than I live fulfilled and content in the moment.
We all have choices to make but I’d rather face an unknown tomorrow with love and compassion overflowing out of me to others than tossing and turning all night consumed with myself in anxiety and fear of others. This is what I choose and this is what I hope to teach my children to choose. It’s the greatest gift I can give them.
Me being Normal, I could care less about that; but I do know that I have immeasurable value just like every human that lives on this earth. Discovering the beauty of my creator by appreciating the lives of others, that sounds like a life worth living
Traveling down this narrow road,
I’m all alone so I’ve been told.
I wonder where I’m going,
what fruit I am sowing.
I trust You to carry my load.
Prompt:journey, Form:limerick, Device:alliteration
You plunge into rocks
with the force of crashing rams
erupting in dance.
Prompt:water; Form:haiku; Device:simile
I love music. It moves me in a powerful way. For many years I hindered my worship experience because I self-righteously thought that any music with real passion (aka: drums and emotionally connecting vibe) was evil. What a box I put God in.
But I am worn. I’m worn out trying to look perfect and happy in a dead religion. I’m sick of the hypocrisy, the back-biting, the hate talk, the comparing how my spirituality measures up to your spirituality. This is not Christlike. It is not what God’s church looks like. I’m drinking the kool-aid no more. It is not my job as a Christian to prove my “rightness”. It’s my job to love.
I wish it was that easy. The problem? I’m worn from loving too. It is hard to love, especially when it’s easier to be right. And it is especially exhausting to love someone who feels it’s their Christian duty to be right. It’s hard to love those that have hurt you terribly. But I know it’s what God wants. So here’s to those who struggle like me. Who are worn from trying to do everything in our own strength because that’s the lie hurt tells us and it’s how we’ve survived thus far. But now it’s time to let God take over, revive us and renew us and show us what life in His strength looks like…Rest. Let’s rest in His work together, unified in our created uniqueness. You are my ideal audience!
So I know blogging 101 assignments aren’t life or death and I should probably help myself get over this annoying and exhausting tendency to obediently do everything everyone tells me to do. My backbone is getting stronger, but I can’t help but explain why I didn’t complete the assignment. Bottom line, I like my blog title and tagline! I like what it means to me as I try to “find myself”. 🙂
Groomed to be a people-pleasing do-gooder, I realized that I looked for my identity in what people said I should be or should do with my life. After all, good Christian women find godly husbands they adore, have many babies, spotless, beautiful homes, and are active in church playing piano and teaching in all the kids’ programs, right? I was doing all those things because I thought loving Jesus meant it was my job to make sure everyone believed I love Jesus. But I felt so lonely because sometimes I really didn’t feel like adoring my husband and sometimes I felt frustrated with and even upset at God.
But in my “Christian” world there was no room for the reality of my mess. So every Sunday I’d give all of myself to the superficiality of a church service while living the rest of the week feeling lonely and empty because none of my friends knew the real me (except my husband who has always been a good friend). I didn’t know how to give myself grace, much less anyone else. Who came up with the lie that Christians are to be gods anyway? (Reminds me of a story in Genesis, hmmmm…)
So, blah blah blah, I started this blog to create a productive and relatively safe place to explore my thoughts and discover who I am, as God created me. Although the word “naturally” wasn’t my favorite sounding word, I am in love with the definition. According to Merriam-Webster, the word “naturally” is an adverb used to describe something that exists by natural character or ability. It is without artificial aid; true to reality. I want my blog to be a space that is my reality. I don’t expect it to be perfect, in fact I welcome messes and love random. It’s the messes of life that teach me the most about real life. No more Zombie Bekah! So welcome to my beautiful mess of a blog; Naturally Bekah—Discovering the truth of me.
WHO AM I?
Well that’s a good question! Let me enlighten you to the parts I’ve figured out.
I am a stay at home mom of four amazing kids. I married a man that makes me better in every way. I am a beautiful mess of a woman learning to find contentment and peace with myself and my past. The faith I have in my sweet Jesus helps me do that. I am an extroverted introvert according to some personality test and I guess that’s why I’m so confused about myself. Every day is different and anything can happen. It makes life fun and exciting but also chaotic and exhausting.
I keep a journal and love writing in it but I wanted to mature in processing my thoughts. Blogging, I thought, would be a safe place to do that. I hope that blogging gives me an organized space to be real and grow in understanding and grace for myself and other people. I hope this experience grows my ability to healthily relate to others and build a community of safe relationships which I believe to be a main purpose of my existence. In short, I want to find and express myself in an honestly productive way.