Recently I have being working hard to be aware of my emotions and learn how to express them in a healthy way and live at peace with them instead of trying to avoid them in dysfunctional and unhealthy ways. The first step, allow myself to know what I truly feel. This proved more difficult than I imagined. First in knowing what I felt, but even more, what to do with it. I am surprised to discover how sad I am. What do I do with that?
It seems every time I start to rejoice in all the goodness that is around me some heart wrenching event sends me floundering on my knees in a pool of tears. I seem to brake a little more at every devastating phone call and tragedy that naturally hovers over abusive families and churches. I’m glad that my idols of family and religion are crumbling all around me, truth has set me free, but my heart still breaks for all the causalities and wounds of children and loved ones. My healing wounds seem to brake open again with every triggering event, judgement or memory. As I voiced to a trusted sister-in-law, “how much more of this can we take?”
Turn to me and be gracious to me, for I am lonely and afflicted. The troubles of my heart are enlarged; bring me out of my distresses. Consider my affliction and my trouble, and forgive all my sins. Consider how many are my foes, and with what violent hatred they hate me. Oh, guard my soul, and deliver me! Let me not be put to shame, for I take refuge in you. May integrity and uprightness preserve me, for I wait for you.