“We must be willing to let go of the life we planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us.”
So I know blogging 101 assignments aren’t life or death and I should probably help myself get over this annoying and exhausting tendency to obediently do everything everyone tells me to do. My backbone is getting stronger, but I can’t help but explain why I didn’t complete the assignment. Bottom line, I like my blog title and tagline! I like what it means to me as I try to “find myself”. 🙂
Groomed to be a people-pleasing do-gooder, I realized that I looked for my identity in what people said I should be or should do with my life. After all, good Christian women find godly husbands they adore, have many babies, spotless, beautiful homes, and are active in church playing piano and teaching in all the kids’ programs, right? I was doing all those things because I thought loving Jesus meant it was my job to make sure everyone believed I love Jesus. But I felt so lonely because sometimes I really didn’t feel like adoring my husband and sometimes I felt frustrated with and even upset at God.
But in my “Christian” world there was no room for the reality of my mess. So every Sunday I’d give all of myself to the superficiality of a church service while living the rest of the week feeling lonely and empty because none of my friends knew the real me (except my husband who has always been a good friend). I didn’t know how to give myself grace, much less anyone else. Who came up with the lie that Christians are to be gods anyway? (Reminds me of a story in Genesis, hmmmm…)
So, blah blah blah, I started this blog to create a productive and relatively safe place to explore my thoughts and discover who I am, as God created me. Although the word “naturally” wasn’t my favorite sounding word, I am in love with the definition. According to Merriam-Webster, the word “naturally” is an adverb used to describe something that exists by natural character or ability. It is without artificial aid; true to reality. I want my blog to be a space that is my reality. I don’t expect it to be perfect, in fact I welcome messes and love random. It’s the messes of life that teach me the most about real life. No more Zombie Bekah! So welcome to my beautiful mess of a blog; Naturally Bekah—Discovering the truth of me.
WHO AM I?
Well that’s a good question! Let me enlighten you to the parts I’ve figured out.
I am a stay at home mom of four amazing kids. I married a man that makes me better in every way. I am a beautiful mess of a woman learning to find contentment and peace with myself and my past. The faith I have in my sweet Jesus helps me do that. I am an extroverted introvert according to some personality test and I guess that’s why I’m so confused about myself. Every day is different and anything can happen. It makes life fun and exciting but also chaotic and exhausting.
I keep a journal and love writing in it but I wanted to mature in processing my thoughts. Blogging, I thought, would be a safe place to do that. I hope that blogging gives me an organized space to be real and grow in understanding and grace for myself and other people. I hope this experience grows my ability to healthily relate to others and build a community of safe relationships which I believe to be a main purpose of my existence. In short, I want to find and express myself in an honestly productive way.
As this season comes to an end
I think back on all that’s been.
It’s drained me, changed me and humbled me too.
Just like every season in life tends to do.
I’m letting so much go, feeling lost but not hopeless.
Wounds are healed and broken are my clenched fists.
I never knew scars could have any favor,
Til I took the hands of my precious savior.
I’m drowning in the mess I am.
I’ve taken my eyes off you and I’m sinking.
Revive me, hold me, don’t ever let me go.
I see you standing, obedient and quite
Long pretty hair yet hand-me-down clothes.
Your father is creepy, your brothers are wild
The kind that reap what they sow.
Are you really a part of THAT family
You must be a rose among thorns!
You are welcome to come over
You’re the easiest guest.
You never make waves
And you clean up every mess.
How can you be a part of THAT family
Such a rose among thorns!
I almost forgot you were in our group
why don’t you talk once in a while?
You’re nice enough, sure! But I know where you live…
The place with all the junk, there are piles!
It’s sad you’re from THAT family
hiding, a rose among thorns.
Your family goes to church, your grandfather is a pastor
Your scary Dad talks so holy yet his boys are so unruly.
You obviously take after your poor mom, strong and hard working
Standing by her crazy man is a good wife’s duty.
It’s amazing you belong to THAT family
Looking like a rose among thorns.
I was so thrilled the day you were born
I knew after so many I’d eventually get a pearl!
But I don’t like how your father favors you above me
I’ve grown to despise you, I should have never had a girl.
Why is this MY family
I am the rose among thorns.
I’m so protective and why shouldn’t I be
I’m your father and you belong to me!
I’ve groomed you well, you can’t even see
That monster in your room in the night, it’s me!
You are in MY family
Who are you kidding, no rose in these thorns!
I saw you in church, beautiful, long hair
I know your family’s a mess but I can’t help but stare.
Give me a chance, I love you
I know you’ve been hurt and I really care.
Please meet my family
You are such a rose! What’s that about thorns?
My child, my creation! I’ve always been here
I’ve never left your side, I sat next to all your fear!
I love you and I knit you together
I winced with every abuse and wept with every tear.
You are adopted to MY FAMILY
Where there are only roses, never thorns!
I feel Inspired!
If you asked me what I feel inspired to do I would rattle off a list so long and diverse your eyes would cross.
But today I feel inspired to start a blog…a world I know nothing about! Why would I do such a crazy thing?
I am a woman of determined faith and I believe that I was created a special way for a special purpose.I will admit though that sometimes…alright most of the time, I am so overwhelmed with the the enormity of that claim that I miss the “smaller” things I was created to do. You see, I’m a mom of four (and MAYBE some day more)! I love staying at home, and I’m determined to be available for whatever needs my family has. But I struggle…
I struggle to be content with it sometimes. Of course there are the people that ask “so what do you do with yourself all day?” and I smile and reply “If I ever get a day to myself I’ll let you know.” It rolls right off, doesn’t bother me at all. No, what I struggle with is feeling enough when I compare myself to the other moms. I think to myself, “man if I could be that kind of mom or look stylish like that mom, then I’d be a good mom.” It’s such a lonely, depressed place to be.
The other night I watched “Mom’s Day out” again. It makes me cry every time. I so badly relate with that movie. But unlike the main Mom in the movie, I’m the one that walks into church and looks all put together with all my well-behaved kids. My kids are great and they are good, but they are kids as well and I’m learning to embrace that and not expect them to be little robots marching everywhere I go. But what people don’t see is that after I get the kids to their classes I “have to go to the bathroom” before service starts…not to fix my mascara…but to breathe deeply and to let all my tears of feared failure as a mom out then I put my hidden emotions in a neat little box and tuck it somewhere deep so that people can only see a smiling “good” mom. But I don’t feel like a good mom because I’m too busy seeing all the things I didn’t do and all the things that didn’t go smoothly that morning. I’m so consumed with my own perceived worthlessness that all I see or hear when I talk with other moms is what I’m not and wish I was.
Now, I’m being pretty vulnerable here, I don’t want people to see this part of me…it’s not pretty…it’s ugly and I already feel ugly enough. But my story doesn’t end here, I’m still on my journey with my Savoir that desires me to find my value in Him because He says I’m not worthless and ugly like I feel. The TRUTH is I’m beautiful and worth the price of His blood! That’s pretty valuable…and I held that value even before I desired him. My obedience didn’t gain His favor, just me existing did!
Nothing I do or be can add to the immeasurable value I was given by God the day He formed me into existence.
So how did I start imperfectly living in that truth vs the lies of “not good enough”? I got out of my comfort zone and I started listening to other moms. I started to hear, “I’m failing“, “I’m not enough“, “I wish I could be like you“! I was so surprised! I started to hear that I was not alone in the lonesomeness I always felt. Some groups I was in had us share what we see in each other and I was flabbergasted at the other women’s perceptions of me. They already saw so many things that I was trying to be! And I’m pretty sure I saw the same discoveries on the other women’s faces. It made me feel so encouraged and connected, loneliness for the moment was gone.
I think as moms we can tend to focus too much on where we feel like failures and we miss the gift to motherhood we possess. At least I know I do. I have a lot of things to offer to my kids, my husband, and my friends but my constant attention on the qualities I didn’t and still don’t possess distracted me from using the wonderful qualities I do possess. I spent/spend so much time trying to be the mom I’m not and neglect to be the special and unique mom God made me to be. It’s like a “barbie mom” syndrome. There is this unrealistic model of what a mom should be that isn’t even physically possible and is totally fake; but I look to her as what I should be and start a cycle of crazy to be her that makes me depressed, unsatisfied, and I’m sure my husband agrees… a little insane.
So, this is the purpose of my blog…I want to discover the true self that I was created to be. Why blog? I like the accountability it offers to be potentially productive with my thoughts. I love writing in my journal but I’m sloppy and tend to ramble continuously and aimlessly at the same topics and while I find value in it I want to graduate to a more organized space. I could care less if I have any followers or if anyone reads my blog. If my amateur blogging bothers you then sorry, you may want to move onto the next blog. I’m writing to grow me! It will be messy and crazy and obviously I am the queen of rabbit trails…but I know it’s a space that will grow me. Of course I hope that my ramblings might bring encouragement, inspiration and maybe even entertainment in a good way to some; but I made a rule that I will not have any expectations with this blog besides being a space to mature my thoughts. So I’m buckling my seat belt and flooring it, baby, like my toddler escaping to freedom when the baby gate come down. Hold on! God help and bless us mom’s looking to live content in that immeasurable value with which You knit us together.